She sat across me, tears streaming down her cheeks as she expressed how she felt like a bad mom and a total failure as a parent. Her disappointment with herself had resulted in her feeling quite anxious and stressed lately.
My consequent one-hour session with this stay-at-home mom revealed that she played with her kids, read stories to them, tried to feed them healthy meals with healthy ingredients and innovative recipes she took down from the internet, tried to do various activities for their intellectual development and did her best to give them less screen time. She did all this and maintained the entire household. Yet she felt inadequate.
Had someone said something to her? Was she comparing her kids to their peers? Or perhaps herself to some other mom? Was she simply trying to do too much? Was she overthinking some small episode? All of the above?
My second session revealed the truth finally.
Her disappointment with herself peaked through her conversation when she spoke passionately about how awesome some of those parents on social media were and how respectfully and perfectly, they were raising their kids. As she spoke about how some of those Instagram kids cooked meals with their moms, did scientific experiments, solved puzzles, did daily DIY activities, exercised, did Yoga, went for adventure sports, knew phonics, did reading and painting, knew mental math and so on, I could hear her pain underlined.
Does her story sound familiar? Are you also a parent who has experienced this anxiety when you consume social media content around parenting?
The issue is not the content she or any of us are consuming; I myself believe that there is a lot of knowledge out there for those who seek it. The issue is drawing the line when it results in comparisons, feelings of inadequacy or incompetence, stress, anxiety. I am reminded here, of what we heard from our parents while growing: even too much of a good thing is bad.
As much as gentle parenting is one of the best changes which current times have brought with millennials and gen-z trying to break some old patterns, it's an undeniable fact that it has become a hot trend for thousands of content creators who are basically making a living around it. They might have the best interest behind their content, but the language and tone used in some of these posts easily transcend the barrier between tips, suggestions, advises and scary warnings and ominous foretelling for parents.
This is where the other side of gentle parenting is revealed which easily increases guilt and self-doubt in parents, especially mothers who are the major consumers of such social media content, and keeps them awake and anxious.
What did my mom client do to be a happier mom with happier kids?
• She paused and reflected on her social media use: she started to unfollow too many accounts and stopped trying to implement whatever she liked.
• She made a note of what all aspects of the new age parenting actually suits her situation and her kids.
• As for doing activities for her kids, she understood that it's better to try what you can do with your own resources at your own pace, instead of trying to take too many things on your plate.
Children don't get permanently damaged or traumatised just because you lost your temper a few times. They don't fail at academics or life just because you couldn't get some activity kits for them or sit and do DIY stuff every day.
Pushing yourself too hard could make you a perfect parent for a week but in the long run, it will only increase yours and your kids' anxiety levels. In fact, when you understand that you are a human too and give yourself the space to make error, acknowledge and learn from it, they follow the same.
Children actually don't need a perfect parent, they will be happy with a parent who expressed love openly, who was available for them emotionally and who let them be themselves without judgement and with gentle guidance all the way.
So, remember my dear Mom and Dad, to raise happy children, the world first needs happy parents. If you are trying your best with what you have, you fail but after each failure, you try to come back, be there for your kids and be a better parent, you are acing it! You are doing awesome, and your kids can't have better parents than you.
Aditi is a Jaipur based, certified counselor and owner of ManoViaan Psychological Services, a PhD. student and a mother of two. She loves to write about parenting, self-care and mental health issues. She is a great friend, conversationalist, and a big Potterhead. You can find more about her and her practice here.
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