Aditi Shrimali, a friend, a parent and a psychologist, who is passionate about helping people understand and prioritize emotional well-being, talks about the scary side of motherhood, intrusive thoughts and how having them doesn't make you crazy. Read on.
"It was just another mommy day, of course, now that am a mother I couldn't care less about what day or date it is, all days are mommy days. So yes, another mommy day!
I quickly finished the chores at hand so that I could play with my eager baby of a few months. Taking him into my arms and twirling around, I fell in love once again with those giggles.
Just then images flashed in my mind, of not holding onto him tight enough and making him fly bumping against the wall or rather falling down along with him. Those flashes lasted for a few seconds, but my heart took quite a jolt. I tried to calm myself as I put him down carefully on the pretext of getting a glass of water.
Back to the present, being in a good mood, my son is a toddler now and while I work in the kitchen, he makes it a point to ransack all the kitchen drawers and take out as many things as his tiny hands can manage. I look over to check and "oh! once again he has gotten hold of the grater!" Immediately the cruel thought of forgetting to keep down the knife in my hand while picking him up and hurting him badly pops up! More aware than I used to be, I now ignore the thought, put down the knife at a careful distance from the edge and pick my son up.
Though I don't get bothered anymore with such thoughts, there was a time when I wondered if I was going crazy or was I just plain evil.
If you are also a new parent and are experiencing something similar, you know the feeling.
When I became a mother to a preterm newborn, honestly, it wasn't an easy phase at all. Am not trying to undermine the joys motherhood brings but I bet it isn't easy for anyone what with all the pain, the trauma of delivery, all the do's and don'ts, restrictions on diet, and of course most of all the responsibility of a new being entirely on you, one who is so fragile and annoying at the same time.
My brain kept playing games with me, adding to my horrors, I kept imagining the cruel-est things that could happen to my baby at random instances and it just bewildered me!
What was really happening? Personally, I felt "was I not made for motherhood?", "Was it a warning that I am going to be a clumsy mother not capable of handling a baby on my own?" But I just couldn't make myself express all this to anyone-they would surely think am crazy.
So I turned to one entity I always seek answers from - Google baba. And what I learnt that day saved me from questioning my motherly love and instincts ever again.
Studies suggest that such thoughts of some harm coming to a family member or someone we know are called intrusive thoughts and child-related intrusive thoughts are quite common for new parents.
The responsibility of a newborn comes with its own highs and lows. Mothers especially are hard-wired to take care of each and every need of their baby and look out for any signs of distress. This sparks up the innate 'fight or flight' response further making parents, particularly the mothers, feel highly anxious and fearful about the well being of their baby.
It makes unaware parents quite alarmed and ashamed of their thoughts, and hence it is rarely discussed, but it is just another one of Mother Nature's wonderful mechanisms-to warn the parent or the caregiver of potential risk and be more careful.
Though it is quite common to some degree, yet sometimes, these thoughts become too strong and frequent to be ignored. They may cause significant physical and psychological distress to the young mother/father causing problems like insomnia, loss of appetite, fear of holding or taking care of their baby, and even thoughts of self-harm.
This is where proper mental health care and a certain degree of supervision is required. Child-related intrusive thoughts are in fact one of the major symptoms of Postpartum Depression. And this is the reason why our society needs more awareness and acceptance of this phenomenon, and proper mental health care when it starts causing more than normal anxiety or suffering to the mother or other parent figure.
What is important is to remember that "I am not a bad mother and the same holds true for you!"
We all are trying our best, aiming for progress and not perfection. So don't be afraid to seek help if required and don't let anything stop you from loving your child and yourself.
More power to all the mothers out there!!
Aditi is a Jaipur based, certified counselor and owner of ManoViaan Psychological Services, a PhD. student and a mother of two. She also loves to write about parenting, self care and mental health issues. She is a great friend, conversationalist, a big Potterhead and just the person to convince you why GoT is the best. You can find more about her and her practice here.
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