Settling down. It sounds so comforting and reassuring, doesn’t it? It implies that you have reached a point in your life where everything is stable and secure, where you have achieved your goals and found your happiness. But is it really possible to settle down in life? Or is it just an illusion that we create to cope with the uncertainty and complexity of life? In this post, WS Aditi Shrimali shares with us her lightbulb moment of discovering the truth about settling down and her insights on embracing change and growth as a way of living, rather than chasing after an elusive destination. Read on!
You know how we sometimes have a Eureka moment and the whole mystery called life seems a little clearer?
Well, one such moment of epiphany came to me recently when I realised how deceptive this entire notion of ‘Settling Down’ is.
When we are in our youth- innocent and unaware, we are led to believe that life is just this one big race. We believe when they tell us: "just clear this exam and you are done", "beta if you land this job, your life is just set" or "you just need to get married to so and so person and you'll be sorted."
Consequently, most of us push ourselves each day to achieve that dream goal, even forgetting to enjoy the present in the daily grind. Some of us expect our romantic relationship to give us a peaceful sense of finality. Some of us even believe ourselves as failures because we couldn't achieve the goals which we had set for ourselves.
The result is in front of us: almost all of us relate to the line: "ye dukh kahe khatam nahi hota Bhai?"
The question to ask is- isn't it self-destructive to believe that we were meant to do just that one thing in our life when in actuality there is no end to our potential and possibilities?
What about the disappointment many of us face when that dream job doesn't really make us feel happy?
Isn't it futile to believe that the relationship which seems perfect today will remain so always?
Life is about learning that finality is an illusion. Even the people around us don't remain constant. The relationship which felt perfect yesterday might not seem fulfilling today. So many of us spend years in resentment and anger when someone doesn't match up to our expectations of them. A few of us start doubting ourselves or even give up on love and trust.
It is okay if two people realise that they aren't able to give each other the best space to grow; life calls on us to let go of old bonds and make space for new ones. Heck, we ourselves change with time. Our needs, beliefs, expectations all change as we grow. Tell me, when you reflect on your past self from 10-15 years back, aren’t you amazed to see how different you were?
What if in reality, we were not meant to settle down? Life is instead about change and becoming. When it keeps throwing in new challenges, we adapt and become a better version of ourselves. I love to see this world as a huge forest where all of us stand close together but still apart, growing at our own pace. Just like our variety of tree friends, each of us so different that it would be pointless to compare our heights and spans. We are in fact, meant to work within, keep making the best use of what we get, have strong roots and an even stronger core so that when we face a storm, we can stand tall.
"Don't sulk and slouch my darling friend, thinking of some far away promised land. This is the grass where you're meant to thrive. Stretch your roots deep and gain newer heights."
Aditi is a Jaipur based, certified counselor and owner of ManoViaan Psychological Services, a PhD. student and a mother of two. She loves to write about parenting, self-care and mental health issues. She is a great friend, conversationalist, and a big Potterhead. You can find more about her and her practice here.
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