The festive season is upon us again. The air itself has a different smell and feel to it this time of the year, doesn’t it? Daydreaming and making plans for the festivities ahead, I was reminded of that one Diwali, a particularly special one, when I had to navigate through my favorite time of the year with new emotions, ones I had never experienced before.
Diwali was in two days, wrapping up all the cleaning projects at home and content projects in office, I felt an adrenaline rush that couldn’t be compared to anything else.
I was river rafting with tasks at hand, but was totally thrilled. It was like a high that had a gratification attached to it, however delayed, gratification still. Ever since I was a kid, I have enjoyed the whole Diwali ki taiyyari phenomenon, all the work through the days leading to the festival. The special, only-used-once-a-year cover for furniture, the smell of fresh paint, the sorting of ‘samaan’ which often turned into a trip down the memory lane, the shopping for sweets, new clothes and especially home décor items. Oh! I look forward to every single bit of it.
A day before the festival, I was always assigned putting the final touches to the décor, the fine tuning of the lighting, the fixing of drapes and the rangoli, my favorite part. All this with the aroma of fresh sweets being prepared and my father running in and out of the house to get flowers and last-minute fixtures. We all slept satisfied at the end of the long day amidst bursting crackers and loud music. But there was nothing better than the sweet tiredness that these festivals brought along.
Year one of being married, I knew it was going to be my first Diwali without my childhood traditions, but I was excited! I was thrilled and hoped for something fresh and different. A Diwali in the brand-new household I was now a part of. New people, new experience.
Now I wasn’t unaware that different people and different households exist. I knew that not everyone begins celebrating from days before, excited as if a grand finale awaited them. I knew that there were families where Diwali is like any other day of the year. I just hadn’t thought I’d be a part of one such family one day.
It’s not like the house was quiet, no. But it had the everyday sounds, not the festive hums. Commands for the maid, daily dilemmas about what to eat, and oh dressing up in non-festive regular clothes. I was surprised because in my own daze and excitement, I had been so sure to find an environment that I was used to. An environment I thought was Diwali. My kinda Diwali.
I decided I’d take charge, get in the groove, do what I know best. I got dressed, prepared holiday special food, made mithai, brought floral garlands and lights and hung them, arranged and re-arranged furniture, readied the house, and quickly prepared everything needed for the evening pooja. After the pooja in the evening, I felt a sudden emptiness. A feeling I still can’t quite describe. All I can say is that I was looking for that satisfaction that always greeted me at the end of such days and couldn't find it.
Instead, I felt a thought take over with an unsettling finality that that feeling of satisfaction and the rush I associated with festivals? I would never find it again! As unintentional as it was, this made me anxious and suddenly, homesick. With it began the pattern; I started fearing my own enthusiasm and became anxious that the excitement would turn into disappointment. My festival anxiety started showing itself through fear and detachment. It drew me away from gatherings, away from celebrations, reminding me that it will never be the same, that I had lost something.
Many people, like me, experience festival anxiety and for different reasons. Some feel homesick and isolated in a new environment, where some feel pressured to celebrate because people around them want them to or expect them to. Some struggle to keep up with new traditions and some genuinely feel detached or have negative emotions attached to the event/festival.
So how do we go about this?
If you are someone with festival anxiety, please know, that I know it is hard, but it gets better. The first and best thing to do is to acknowledge that we are feeling a certain way and accept it.
Take some time out for yourself, take one thing at a time and share your feelings with your trusted circle; your friends and family can also help you make it better. And if you know someone who might be going through a difficult time, allow them to celebrate in their own way or not celebrate at all!
Finally, if you do realize that someone is downplaying their enthusiasm, be that person who lets them know that it’s okay to want to enjoy in their own way. Give them as much company as you can or just let them have fun the way they’d like. This festive season, let us truly embrace feeling comfortable with our own ways of celebration and come together to make festivals a merry time for everyone.
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